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By Will ("The Thrill") Viharo THRILLVILLE BEAT By Will "the Thrill" Viharo THIS MONTH: MORE FODDER FOR MY F.B.I. FILE; Happy New Year and Peace on Earth, everybody! Now that I have that pleasant little exclamation of fantasy out of the way: "J. EDGAR HOOVER WAS A CROSS-DRESSING COCKSUCKER!" Recently a Canadian politico, the Prime Minister's spokeswoman, was forced to resign for calling George W. Bush a "moron" Can't imagine what inspired this high-ranking official from our easy-going neighbor-land to the north to make such a controversial, seemingly insulting observation. Could it be, could it possibly be because: GEORGE W. BUSH IS A MORON!!! There, I said it too. And I refuse to resign my position as Lounge Lizard King! Instead, I want the F.B.I. to start their file on me, if they haven't already, with this statement of opinion. That also goes for the CIA, Homeland Security, Klu Klux Klan, Christian Right, or whatever the hell fascist group is wasting their time monitoring me while some real and actually dangerous wackadoo is making plans to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge: YOU GOT THAT?! I WANT IT IN MY FILE UNDER "FREAKS, RADICALS, LIBERAL LOUNGE LIZARDS AND OTHER SUBVERSIVES"! And while you're at it, add these following observations to the Thrill Files: "Dick Cheney is a chronically Caucasian fascist!" "John Ashcroft is a chronically constipated witch-hunting mannequin!" "Condoleezza Rice is a shameless plantation hussy!" "Harry Belafonte is right - Colin Powell is an ass-kissing house boy!" (So much for a moderate voice of reason.) The way I see it, if the F.B.I, or somebody, doesn't have a file on you these days, you're doing something wrong, or just plain wasting your life. Maybe they're ignoring me altogether. Consider this a pre-emptive strike, which are very trendy these days. Go ahead, search my site for bomb-making manifestos, you clueless Clydes. Knock yourselves out. The only bombshell you'll find here in Thrillville are the homemade pin-ups of my gorgeous wife - and her you can't touch. Feel the pain, and move on. Fortunately, I'm no longer the only one willing to criticize the status quo, which is good, since no one listens to me anyway. Recently, both Bill Clinton and Al Gore have finally begun publicly railing against the Republican's mean-spirited machine, galvanizing their own party to respond to the right wing power-engine with contrary and conscientious conviction. Clinton - the only politician to ever openly speak out on one of the world's most enduringly significant issues, Elvis Presley - recently noted in a speech, "When people feel uncertain, they'd rather have someone strong and wrong than weak and right." God, how true. I'd vote for that brilliant, charismatic sax-playing hillbilly again anytime, but alas, he's out of the running. If Gore runs for re-election in 2004, I'll settle for him, happily. In the meantime, Nancy Pelosi's appointment was a positive statement and step in the right direction, or should I say left direction. Unlike the Tiki Goddess, I'm not really a diehard Democrat, but more of a default Democrat - a "Rat Pack Democrat", as I often say, only somewhat facetiously. But I am a pretty liberal guy who believes the democratic system is the best so far concocted for an eclectic society, and if it were currently functioning purely, I wouldn't be having all these beefs with the powers-that-be. A lot of fellow libs and leftists who want us to start over from scratch and overhaul the entire system, which will never happen, firmly believe Clinton and Gore are just as abominable as Bush and Cheney. Well, I say if you want an ideal voice to empower your cause, throw your own hat in the ring. Otherwise, all you have to choose from are the hats that are already there. I want the cowboy hats out of the ring, for the good of the whole country, and I support any hats that want to supplant them, even if it isn't a fez. WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG ALREADY, GOD DAMN IT! It may not be obvious after that little diatribe, but I'm at heart a very friendly, peace-loving guy. I mean, someone could respond to my comments by sending me an email and calling me a "short, near-sighted, frustrated failed novelist Frank Sinatra wannabe." But I beat them to it. There goes another pre-emptive strike. The truth is, I don't really care what anyone thinks of me, any more than these other actually famous figures give a flying doughnut what I think about them. That's obvious. Hypocritical politicos will continue to oppress the underclass and wage war for money and power in the name of patriotism. Just like all the Steven Soderspeilbergs in Hollywood will continue to mine and rape the sacred drive-in past for fleeting, foolish ideas, and millions of duped citizens will continue to line all their pockets with cash. Except here in Thrillville, guys and dolls. One thing I really do not understand: why do so many people give a damn what other people do and think? Why do they feel so threatened by different cultures and opposing philosophies that they feel compelled - like our current administration - to suppress, shape and dictate the morals, ideals and values of others who simply choose an alternative lifestyle and adopt an independent viewpoint? I mean, take the religious idiots who fly all the way the hell to San Francisco from some hick community just to protest a high school play on homosexuality. That reveals a serious insecurity and lack of faith in their own belief system. If they want to believe one guy corn-holing another is a sin that will send the perpetrators straight to ever-lasting Hell (which ironically is probably a lot like Kansas), then DON'T DO IT YOURSELF. How do you figure it's your place to condemn strangers by imposing your views on them by force? How the hell does it affect you if one guy wants to suck off another guy, or some guy wants to dress up like the Easter Bunny, or some chick wants to take control of her own future and decide to put off child-bearing till she can afford it? Personally, I believe homosexuality is natural propagation control in action. Can you imagine if all those horny queers were actually able to get knocked up, with all that indiscriminate screwing going on? We have enough of an over- population crisis as it is. As proof of my theory, I offer the fact that there are homos even in the animal world. Are you going to try to tell me that this is learned behavior, a matter of personal choice? That one day a rooster just got fed up with all those constantly clucking hens and decided on his own to start sucking "cock"? This is coming from a guy who flat-out worships Pussy, who can't think or speak rationally in the face of female cleavage, who finds Truth in a woman's heart-shaped ass, and who finds the male body about as sexually appealing as a mudhole frequented by dogs with weak bowels. Although I must admit, I think both Don Johnson and Robert Conrad are mighty cute, and Tom Jones has one sexy pair of...lungs. But hey, that's just me. Live and let live, for Chrissake. That's my personal Golden Rule. I relentlessly criticize people like Bush and Cheney because they are trying to force their views and values on me via their political prowess, which I did not vote for and refuse to respect, much less acquiesce to. Otherwise, if they were just normal folks going about their own business, I'd simply accept them as fellow human beings with different backgrounds, attitudes and creeds - and ignore them entirely. I just wish these right wing bigots trying to shove their ultra-conservative doctrine and intrusive agenda on the rest of this diverse nation would offer us social misfits the same courtesy. No dice. I know that. But I will never shut up in my defense, even if all I'm really accomplishing is electronic steam relief. THE THRILL YEAR 2002 IN REVIEW I actually have little to gripe about outside the sad state of our society, racial unrest, religious hypocrisy, hate crimes, corporate scandals, economic chaos, environmental destruction, terrorist threats, power mad dictators, stupid presidents, worldwide doom and gloom, crappy Hollywood remakes, and generalized spiritual malaise. It's only because I have achieved personal contentment that I am able to focus my attention and passion on larger issues affecting humankind in general. Overall, I had a pretty fun year, Thrill-wise. Here are a few of the highlights:
Last month I already listed my top 12 or so movies of the year. At the time I hadn't yet even seen two of them: Comedian, the Jerry Seinfeld chronicle, and Bowling for Columbine. I've since seen both, and whole-heartedly stand by my choices. In fact, Bowling for Columbine should be required viewing in all classrooms from now on. Instead, it will no doubt be suppressed by the powers that be, since it is about much more than gun control: it is an incendiary indictment and sadly hilarious, ironic and accurate expose of our violent, xenophobic, consumerist society during this truly tragic era in American history. It captures the current Zeitgeist like no other film. See it while you can. I also want to publicly lament the recent passing of the great James Coburn, who will probably be best remembered for his stylish portrayal of secret agent Derek Flint, the coolest cinematic spy this side of Connery's 007, in two '60s classics. Monica and I even named our Christmas Tree after him. TURTLE CRAB A BOO BOO For the past couple of years, I've started the new
year with a Japanese monster movie, for no particular reason other than I've
felt like it. This year is no exception - I'm proud to bring the 1995 monster
epic Continuing my theme of over-sized beasts justifiably terrorizing small hairless apes with opposable thumbs, I am happy to continue my occasional tribute to the greatest special effects genius of all time, Ray Harryhausen, with the 1961 Jules Verne inspired classic MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (January 16, Parkway), sort of a sequel to Verne's (but not Disney's) 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Herbert Lom plays Captain Nemo. The cast also includes dancer Michael Callan, whom I met a couple of years ago and interviewed for Filmfax. Michael and I share a very close mutual friend in the late Deborah Walley, with whom he co-starred in Gidget Goes Hawaiian. I still miss her deeply, and I know he does, too. But even Michael would acknowledge the real stars of this movie are Harryhausen's amazing and timelessly influential stop motion creations, including a giant crab, chicken, squid, and bees. One of his best, don't miss this show either. And of course, you definitely, absolutely, positively do not want to miss my two-night birthday tribute to the God of Independent Cult Cinema, Ray Dennis Steckler, who turns 65 this month (on January 25). Ray will appear in person at both gigs, along with his longtime pal and co-star, the hilarious and colorful Herb Robbins, of Thrill Killers and Worm Eaters fame. The first show is at the Fine Arts Cinema in Berkeley (www.fineartscinema.com), and this is the penultimate program there for the next year and a half or so, as Keith and Josephine are getting set to go on hiatus from their Fine Arts festivities while the whole block goes under reconstruction. They'll be returning in 2004 in a brand new entertainment complex. This is your chance to give them a suitable send-off, as they are true champions of quality and alternative cinema. For this WILD NIGHT WITH RAY DENNIS STECKLER, dig this drive-in double bill on Wednesday, January 29: Ray's directorial debut WILD GUITAR (1962), the crazy cult classic featuring the pouty, pompadoured Arch Hall Jr. as a rockabilly rebel getting ripped off by Hollywood hot shots (including Cash Flagg); then it's off to the desert for hell-raising hot-rodders in Cash Flagg's screen debut, WILD ONES ON WHEELS (1961), co-starring sultry, voluptuous Francine York. Ray will have plenty of lobby cards, videos, posters and more for sale, cheap. This is not only the Fine Arts temporary farewell, but also quite possibly Ray's final Bay Area public appearance. Well, after the following night, Thursday, January 30, when he returns to The Parkway to host his legendary superhero satire RAT PFINK A BOO BOO (1966), which features his gorgeous ex-wife Carolyn Brandt, who has two of the greatest gams in show biz history. I showed this one the first time Ray visited the Parkway a few years ago, part of a tribute to rockabilly madman Ron Haydock, who stars (as "Vin Saxon") in the title role opposite Titus Moede. The cast also includes an appearance by that other '60s icon Kogar, the Swinging Ape - and to pay tribute to him, I've asked famous local simian superstar Gorilla X, Gorilla to the Stars to join the party! Also on the bill: Ray's classic debut short film GOOFS ON THE LOOSE (1960), and the "lost" episode of his Bowery Boys inspired films, THE LEMON GROVE KIDS GO HOLLYWOOD! All in all, I'm kicking off 2003 with a bang. And I'm doing it without firing a single shot. Give peace a chance this year. Meantime, you have a sanctuary from the insanity of the outside world here in Thrillville. NEXT MONTH:  Order a copy of "Love Stories Are Too Violent For Me," a novel featuring Vic Valentine, Private Eye |
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